Love Week

In the early morning of September 25th Japan Time, Jinguji Ren appeared on Twitter to promote Rose Rose Romance. That night, I called my mom on the phone. We talked about a few things, some small and some serious, and then she said she’d send some money for me to book a flight for winter break.

Ladies & Gentlemen! 神宮寺レンLoveWeekの始まりだよ！

— 神宮寺 レン (@Ren_J_SH) September 24, 2019

I found out later that it was National Daughters Day in the U.S., which made the phone call even more special. But...





...three days later, my mother died. The money she had given me to fly home for the holidays was instead used to book a flight for her funeral. She was only 60 years old.



I had a few things to take my mind off of the trauma. I managed to visit the Shining Store. I went to see Starish Secret Party with one of my closest friends as originally planned, which really helped. Tokiya was the MC for the show. Nonetheless, for the first few days I didn’t even know if I’d be able to make it through the day without having a breakdown.



And so on Twitter, when I said that I really needed Ren, it was because I was away from my family for several days while grieving and anxiously waiting to see my mother’s face again, knowing she had already passed away.

I still remember the moment I fell in love with you, Ren.

I couldn't have asked for a better time for your album's release.

I wish I wasn't on a plane right now but believe me when I say that I really need you for the next few days, so I'm glad you're here.

I love you. 🧡

— Bitchface Tokiya (🌹🧡LoveWeek🧡🌹) (@bitchfacetokiya) October 1, 2019

Throughout the next two weeks, I thought not only about my final conversation with her, but I also watched Ren’s tweets. He never got to know his mother face-to-face, but he knows that her spirit lives in him, much like my mother’s spirit lives in me.



Those messages may have come from a fictional character, but the love--and the roses--were more than real for me. As I cried everyday, missing her and trying to figure out how to adjust to life without her being on this earth, Ren provided a comfort so fitting and well-timed that my love and appreciation for him grew even stronger than I could have ever thought possible.



The poster advertisement for Rose Rose Romance was posted in Ikebukuro Station the day before my flight to the USA.



The album was released while I was on the plane, trying to hold myself together.



The day after my mother’s funeral and burial, Ren sent his last bouquet of roses with the message, “I love you.”

愛してる。

I love you. pic.twitter.com/vaEhmSAmBv

— 神宮寺 レン (@Ren_J_SH) October 9, 2019

As I am still awaiting my upcoming return to Japan and readjustment to everyday life, I want to remember not only my mother’s life and the joy, inspiration, and wisdom she gave me, but also the joy, inspiration, and affection that Ren and UtaPri gives me while I grieve over her death.



Of course, I haven’t forgotten all of the love and support I received from social media followers and group order members, even when I didn’t give specifics of what was going on. I was somewhat afraid that people wouldn’t trust me, after I had already suffered mental anguish earlier this year which affected my ability to do what I enjoyed doing for UtaPri fans. This year has been incredibly rough, and though I knew I was capable of handling it, you all encouraged me to put my well-being first, which I have been doing especially for the past few weeks.



Thank you, and I really appreciate you. And that’s why I will continue to do whatever I can for the UtaPri community, even if it’s a little bit.