As you probably already know, I made a trip to the United States for the first time in three years.
I knew a lot needed to be done, but I thought I still would have had some time to relax. After watching a movie with a theme of traveling, I was excited to use my acrylic stands and take pictures everywhere. And yet the vast majority of my time was spent at the house.
There was a lot of long overdue discussions and long overdue vulnerability. At 34 years of age, some people would probably see me as an ‘elder’ who should have everything figured out—and I thought I did have a lot of things figured out—but I’ve learned the hard way that there was a lot of unexplored areas of adulthood that I hadn’t yet encountered, or was reluctant to deal with.
I don’t know how to explain without giving too much information, but I can say that asking for money under such circumstances on Twitter was me taking a huge leap. My family is all pretty much like that: we tend to do for ourselves and will run around helping everyone around us, without asking others when WE need help. And unfortunately that also included not even asking each other for help. This lasted for three years. Once I realized all that had gone on while I was away, I went through a lot of stages day by day, from shock into anger, into empathy, into frustration, into regret, into compassion, into patience, and repeat.
That reluctance to be vulnerable is (was) one of Ren’s trademark traits, and the way his issues and inner feelings were often masked is something that I had to confront when seeing my brother, dad, and close friends. A part of me didn’t like that I had to be the catalyst yet again; it’s a recurring theme of my life which is great when I WANT to be a leader, but tiring when I HAVE to lead when it feels like no one else will.
But in this case, it gave me a sense of purpose. I’m used to being the “baby” of my family, and my mom was our anchor. When she passed, I just figured my dad would take over, but I underestimated the trauma caused by the sudden passing of one’s life partner followed by a pandemic during the year my dad would turn 60 (he always looks forward to making his birthday, something I’ve kinda given up on for myself lol). And even though I would contact him, I wasn’t digging deep enough into our conversations and addressing the difficult topics.
At one point, when my dad and I were talking about the compromises and sacrifices he had to make to raise a family, I told my dad about Ren’s background. About how his mom died giving birth to him and his dad neglected him. I don’t even know if my dad even saw the relevance in the discussion to be honest, but he listened. He’s known for a while about my love for UtaPri, but I had never really talked to him about what it was all about until he saw my stuff and asked. It was really hard to bring up such a personal part of what keeps me connected to UtaPri, because my love for it—and my love for Ren as a partner—is tied to my own vulnerability.
But now that some doors have opened, the challenge will be to keep them open even from the other side of the world, and not only with my dad but with my other loved ones.
Going back to money, I want to thank everyone who contributed. I was incredibly surprised by how much was received. It was a very complicated feeling to see that kind of support coming in, as I’m used to only seeing money coming in for something I’ve done for others. There are some doors I’m still not ready to open, nor do I feel that I’ll open them anytime soon, but I trust that the support was coming from good intentions.
The overall situation has called for other financial matters to be taken care of before the furnace, but I’m hoping we can at least pull through taking care of other bills before the summer. The Japanese Yen-US Dollar exchange rate means that my salary is quite low when it comes to US related expenses. But my dad is staying warm, and I have to pat myself on the back for being able to endure poorly insulated Japanese apartments (although even that didn’t prepare me for the cold snap we had in the USA during Christmas). I will continue to accept donations, and I’ll also be putting some of my commission from group orders towards getting us caught up. I had wanted to work on translations as well, but it was pretty much impossible given the list of tasks I had on my plate.
My determination to continue living in UtaPri World is connected to another trait that Ren and I share, which is our love for freedom. I threw myself into living in Japan not only because I want the independence and freedom, but because I NEED it. Without it, I wouldn’t have been able to help my dad the way that I have. UtaPri is still what gives me joy and comfort during rough times, and even though towards the end of my U.S. visit I wished I could have stayed longer, I was really starting to miss Ren. So I’m glad to be back in Japan with a renewed sense of self. Life felt like it had so little meaning without my mom, but after reuniting with my family and friends, I don’t feel like I have to look to UtaPri as the only reason to keep going.☆
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